I am cold
And the moon beckons
The blues melt into the velvet of the sky
I welcome the embrace
Night on my skin
A soothing touch
I taste the light of the stars
It reminds me of home
My Beloved
I feel the indelible mark
Of You
- Mood:
enthralled
I'm still here.
Just lacking motivation to do anything but the bare minimum of everything just to get by. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just bored.
That said, I have made some observations this week:
Bacon in a box.
And I thought wine in a box was bad. Seriously, has anyone tried this stuff? Imagine my shock and horror when I saw this product sitting on the shelf in the boxed foods aisle. It just seems...so...wrong.
*********
I was listening to a (new?) Janet Jackson song the other day when it dawned on me that everything she sings sounds like she's talking/singing like a baby. Why guys find that sexy I'll never know.
*********
While driving to Chicago this weekend, I passed an exit for a town called Climax, MI.
(uh?)
I wonder how that town got THAT name.
*********
I'm suffering the ghosts of past lifetimes again. Someday I hope to make sense of all of that.
And last night, I was either granted a vision...or my imagination is wayyy more actively vivid that I could have ever imagined.
*********
"Shake it like a Polaroid picture" - Andre 3000, "Hey Ya!"
In my office, we "shake it like the toner's running low" ...
...because it generally is. And that's the only way you can make sense of the stuff coming out of the printer. And there's never money to purchase more toner in a timely fashion.
**********
Rest in Peace Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes
- Mood:
awake
I saw a woman whom I've declared to be "not a friend."
City cops were patrolling suburban interests.
I was trying to decide if I would like something or be repulsed by it.
There were promotional people and I somehow caused a beat up truck to crash up the driveway at about 3 mph.
Someone handed me a dessert menu and wanted me to pick something.
But when Mike Myers showed up as my step-father with some chick named "Amanda," I knew it was time to wake the hell up and go make some damn breakfast.
(What the hell did I eat before I went to bed?)
- Location:a country named "WTF?!"
I went to visit grandma the other day in her building which happens to be a seniors high rise apartment. Why did one of the residents get on the elevator wearing loose white pants and a pink shirt UNBUTTONED TO THE NAVEL WITH NOTHING BUT BARE CHEST AND A GOLD MEDALLION UNDERNEATH???!!!!
Jaw.Smacks.Ground.
Well...jus'....like what and like WHOA!!!!
He was heading down to the community room to get his socialize on.
Play on Playa!
**********************
I feel itchy.
In my skin, my soul, and in my heart. Like a sweater that's meant to protect and shelter, but is really too annoying to be useful.
This life is suddenly uncomfortable.
I wonder if I will find relief any time in the near future.
**********************
I just dreamt that the entire top row of my teeth fell out....I was spitting out teeth like they were loose kernels of corn.
A change is comin'.
**********************
Remember "The Epiphany?"
That day I had torn up my house for hours looking for 2 lost items and was absolutely distraught because I could not find them and I really needed to get out to finish my Christmas shopping. After nearly collapsing under the frustration and futility of it all, a sudden calm came over me and those words were spoken into my head. I logged onto LJ and posted those words to have a record of the event and decided to give up the search and just leave it for another time. I also wrote and dated the words on the chalkboard in my kitchen.
Less than an hour later I reached into my jacket pocket and found my iPod that had been missing for 8 months. I'd given it up for lost and broke down and bought a new one back in October.
As for the other 2 lost items, I found them both this past Sunday.
*********************
your mouth was the daylight and dark of my world,
your skin, the republic i shaped for myself with kisses.
*********************
My spanish is hopelessly rusty. I think I wished someone a "Happy Good Year."
::groan::
At least I tried. My Peruvian tutor would be shaking his head right now.
*********************
Today in Detroit, MI it was 60 degrees in January.
Wow.
- Mood:
random - Music:"Deja Vu" - Teena Marie
Now that I'm older, I'm sad to say that a lot of what I used to believe in has been placed up on a high shelf covered in figurative dust. I know it's there, but I haven't really examined it in a while and thus have forgotten some of what was there. I also avoid thinking about those things because I'm afraid that to be reminded will be too painful. For that, I feel a sense of loss.
For my entire life I've felt as if I am special. Like I have some secret pact with God and I'm just biding my time until...something (I don't know what) happens. I've always felt that I'm a little more tuned in to the spiritual, though the strength of that connection spikes and diminishes all the time. My dreams have always been vivid...ever since childhood and in them I visit places that are very familiar to me yet I know I've never been there in this life. I feel as though messages are being passed to me all the time. Sometimes I hear better than others.
People scare me...the unexplainable does not.
But lately I feel like life is really taking me through the ringer, though nothing catastrophic has happened. The so called "tragedies" in my life tend to play out in the same way Chinese water torture is executed...one drop at a time and at random intervals, with some drops bigger than others. And for things that do not directly affect me, people in this world do their best to yank the last bit of faith in humanity that I may manage to hold on to.
Yet still I believe. There is something more.
I have no choice. It is what I am and it is as much a part of me as the blood that runs through me. For me not to believe would be the same as chosing not to live. I am eager to learn the answer to the riddle.
I believe that there is an arc that ties this thing and us all together.
There is more than what we perceive.
This, I believe.
Inspired by recent posts by
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ladiej and superhappytimeETA: Another message via snail mail
- Mood:
pensive
A couple of nights ago, I could have sworn that my dad was trying to talk to me from the beyond again. In my dream, he wrote out a message on a fogged up window. And in my dream I remember reading it aloud several times in an attempt to remember it because throughout the dream, I was conscious of the fact that it was a dream and I was trying really hard to commit the message to memory..but alas I can't remember what it was. I think he was once again telling me not to worry about him because he is okay. Funny thing is...I wasn't aware of the fact that I am/was worried. So either I am worried and I'm only aware of it subconsciously....or he really is trying to talk to me and he either thinks I am worried but I'm not...or he knows I am worried, yet I've buried it so deep that I don't know it.
Ya know? No? Yeah, I'm confused about that too.
********************
( and Things )
I love being a girl.
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:"What Goes Around Comes Around" - Justin Timberlake
Most frequently he likes to visit my mom (his EX-wife) and my auntie (his sister). Sometimes he shows up in my brothers' dreams, but rarely does he bother me..and when he does he's not talking directly to me.
My mom dreamt of him last week and it freaked her out because he was trying to get her to stay with him. Last week my mom was sick as a dog and was probably delirious from fever, antibiotics, and pain killers...so I'm not surprised that dad decided to show up to chat. Apparently in the dream initially mom agreed to stay with him a while, but then she changed her mind and said she had to go because she missed B. (my stepdad). Then she says she yelled out my stepdad's name and suddenly woke up.
(Sidenote: My great-grandmother received a similar nocternal visit from my grandfather (her son) the night he passed away. She was ill too, therefore no one had broken the news to her yet. In her dream, my grandfather asked her to stay with him. When she woke up the next day, she told my great-grandfather that she wanted to be with her son. She passed away that evening.)
My aunt says my dad talks to her all the time in her dreams, but she tells him to leave her alone and go back to where he came from because no one told him to leave in the first place. My aunt is pretty blunt and really hasn't the time nor the inclination to indulge pesky spirits. At any rate, it seems as though just like when was alive he still likes to tease her, and for all her attempts to rebuke him, he still keeps coming back.
After my mom told me about her dream last week, I remarked to her that dad doesn't visit me and when he does he never directly talks to me.
Now having said that, I'm sure dear reader you can guess where this is going...
Dad called me on the phone last night.
In a dream, the phone rang and I picked it up and it was my dad. He was telling me that he was fine and that everything was okay. In the dream, I was so shocked and excited, I tried to give the phone to my mom so that she could listen. Although it was my dad's voice, it sounded like a recorded message and when I attempted to let mom listen, the line became disconnected. In my dream, I tried to *69 him back (I know, it sounds so ridiculously logical and insane at the same time, but how else do you get a dead person who just called you back on the phone?) When the phone rang, I got a recorded message saying that if I received a phone call, it was a hoax and the recording apologized for the inconvenience.
Trippy.
So I'm thinking, does my dad think that I am worried about him, because really I'm not. I'm sure wherever he is, he is perfectly fine and I will see him when I see him. I undoubtedly miss him, and definitely could have used him in my life these past 7 years, but I believe his spirit still lives on and I don't worry about him. Likewise, I'm in no real hurry to see him until it's time for me to see him, if you know what I mean.
In the African American tradition, the spiritual world and the physical world are very closely related. Things that seem mystical and impossible are sometimes very real. As such, it is not uncommon for us to call upon our ancestors in times of need. A grandmother for comfort. An uncle for guidance. Oh Father, what should I do?
So it's a little puzzling to me that dad doesn't visit me more often considering how close we were when he was alive. At times I think it's perhaps that he doesn't want to frighten me. Maybe he thinks that I wouldn't understand. Truth is, I'm not sure that I would.
Whatever the case may be, I was glad to hear from him last night. I miss him. And I wouldn't mind an occassional visit in my dreams from time to time.
So long as he doesn't overstay his welcome...and doesn't try to convince me to stay with him.
- Mood: relaxed
- Music:the whirl of the space heater
But during the night I had a dream. In this dream I was a participant in a race. Long distance from what I could tell and I was one among hundreds of others. I got the impression that I was in California somewhere based on the scenery.
What I most remember about this race and this dream, is that I was also alone.
I didn't know one person running along beside me, although many of them seemed to know each other. I ran at a good clip. I wasn't first, but I was far from last.
I remember we stopped at the midway point for drinks. Oddly enough, the drinks were far from what you would want during a long distance race. Pop, juice, alcoholic beverages? Eh, whatever.
The thing is, I woke up before we began running again. And I have no idea where I was going, or how far I had to go.
I just remember running...and feeling like an outsider.
- Mood:
blah
In my dream I awoke in a strange bed, in a foreign room, in what appeared to be some sort of hotel or dormitory. It seemed to be only occupied by women.
The building was very modern and there was something slightly futuristic about it. I had the feeling that I had been brought there by someone, had been visited by someone, or that I had been waiting there for someone. A man.
The only details that I can recall that seem to be of significance was that I remember rising from the bed to get dressed. I walked over to a full-length mirror near the bed with the bed sheet wrapped around my naked body. I turned to look back at the bed and noticed that the bed was dressed in fine linens and pillows filled with goose down feathers. A few stray feathers had managed to liberate themselves from the linens and rested here and there on the bed.
I turned back toward the mirror to look at myself. In my dream I was thinner, darker skinned with long thick wavy hair, and very beautiful. Suddenly I felt some sort of painful pressure in my back. I couldn’t see what was causing the pain, so I reached around my back to feel for the thing that was causing the discomfort. It was at that point that I discovered that something had pierced my skin. I located the object and firmly, but slowly pulled the sharp end of it out of my back. To my surprise, I had extracted a rather large feather.
The feather looked very much like a quill, of which the shaft had been buried at least 4 inches into my back. In my dream, I stared at the blood covered tip in amazement, convinced that something lodged that deep would surely have punctured a lung or some other important internal organ. I actually felt as though I could feel a dull ache in the spot where the feather had been.
And then I woke up…wondering
Who was the man and where was he?
Where was I exactly?
Has someone been talking about me?
Is someone writing bad things about me?
Will someone betray me?
Am I interpreting the dream too literally?
Am I being paranoid?
I wonder.
- Mood:
puzzled
